IMAMS, HAVE AT THEM!
NEW YORK - Three men accused of plotting to bomb a fuel pipeline feeding the city's busiest airport turned themselves in to authorities, authorities said, after coming to America.
The men, members of a radical Islamic group, lost hope after they discovered Allah sent them to attack an American target. The men all confessed to an “unholy appreciation for the USA,” for which they believe they will be denied their 72 virgins in the afterlife.
Two of the men, based in Port of Spain, Trinidad, had taken American strippers as wives last year. Accused mastermind, Russell Defreitas, 63, had taken three exotic dancers from East Coast clubs as wives. He has two children by his first wife.
"Allah sent me to blow the infidels into tiny bits," Defreitas said, "But when I discovered we were attacking American infidels, I lost my hope."
Witnesses report a man wearing a "Hello, my name is: Russell" name tag charging through the streets of Port of Spain with a saber drawn. Mohammad al-Kumquat, a shopkeeper in Port of Spain, reports that the man "charged past my pork stand, but his turban fell off. He was unable to re-fold it, so he asked me to." al-Kumquat states that "The man was a Shiite... I was unable to tie his intricate turban."
Authorities have been able to recover the turban. A government spokesman, Rupert Cole, stated that "Although al-Kumquat believed that the fact that the man was a Shiite was the reason he could not tie the turban, the real reason was this." Cole then pointed to a Hilton logo emblazoned on the turban. Cole continued, "It was not really a turban. Apparently Defreitas lifted it from a Hilton Hotel."
Paris Hiton could not be reached for comment.
Defreitas is reported as saying, "After we caught a flight from Port of Spain to JFK Airport, I started to feel my regrets again. The stewardess was so charming and attractive! Her skirt was so short and tiny... I kept asking for more peanuts, just to see her again, even though she said that the limit was one bag." He continued, "The service was so good... I could not stand to blow up this wonderful airport."
Once in New York, Defreitas contacted Abdul Kadir, a co-conspirator. They agreed to meet at a Brooklyn Hooters. Defreitas cited that "they only hire the most attractive infidels at Hooters!" Defreitas and Kadir reportedly discussed "Muslimy things." Authorities did not specify what those things were, however, citing the ongoing investigation.
Kadir reportedly had rented an apartment for the men to stay at until "Allah com maned us to destroy the infidels." Two nights before the date scheduled for the attack, Kadir and Defreitas had set a rendezvous point for meeting Kareem Ibrahim. Ibrahim is most noted for being the husband of Iran's "Miss Islam 2006." An image of Ibrhim's wife was passed out by authorities after the press conference. The image was taken at the "Miss Islam 2006" competition held in Tehran, Iran. A spokesperson from "Miss Islam 2006" verified the picture, stating that "the picture provided was taken from audience. Woman who look back disqualified and had eyes plucked out for looking at man." It is still unknown which woman is his wife, but the authorities insist that "she's there somewhere."
Image recovered from the clutches of the dastardly 360.
It had previously been lost in translation.
Kadir, Defreitas, and Ibrahim were later sighted at a local bowling alley. The government agent reports that "Kadir and Ibrahim were smoking Camels and Defreitas had a shot glass in his hand." They continued discussing "Muslimy things."
As the agent got into his black Suburban, Ibrahim and Kadir were getting into a Renault. Defreitas reportedly was not with the others at this point. Authorities later discovered where Kadir had rented the Renault. The rental man stated that, "Yeah, some Muslim guy came in here babbling that he wanted to rent a car, and he was waving money at me with some Arab king on it. He insisted that he would not take an American car... he declared, right there, that he wanted a French car."
Police were called the next day to a Brooklyn Post Office with reports of a man wearing a Hilton towel on his head crying and banging his head off of the floor. When police arrived, they found Defreitas claiming to be plotting to "blow the infidels into tiny bits." Authorities took the man into custody. Defreitas later claimed that he thought the Post Office was the police station and had gone there to turn himself in. Authorities are unable to verify this report.
Once taken into custody, Defreitas was transferred to the local FBI office where, when tempted with a Hooters poster, he confessed everything. Agents later raided Kadir's apartment, finding all rooms filled with erotic posters except Defreitas's room. Ibrahim states that Kadir had taken the posters out of Defreitas's room to cover the "bare" spots on the inside of the kitchen cabinets.
Kadir was found in possession of a Red Rider BB gun with a TV remote duct taped to the bottom to look like an ammo magazine. Ibrahim was found in possession of a Zip-lock bag of chewed gum. Ibrahim claims some youths in a basketball court offered to sell him C4 plastic explosives for a pack of Camels.
The trio is awaiting charges of terroristic threats, inciting violence, possession of weapons without a permit, and a battery of other charges.
Imams, have at them!
Associated Press Writer Baron Joseph von Kronen in Port-of-Spain, Trinidad, Baron Joseph von Kronen in New York, and Anne, Wench of Aramink, of Arkansas, contributed to this report.-Ze Baron 
